the new single mother

Single motherhood.

No buts about it, single motherhood is a tough gig. I became a single mother with four teenagers aged from 11 to 17 years after 17 years of shared parenthood. So that I don’t come across as a whingeing bitter bitch I will sing my exes praises up front. He was a good dad and an absolute rarity in that the household work was shared totally. In fact sometimes I think he may have done a tad more than me as he was a bit more anal about keeping things clean than I was. I was the tidy one, I liked to put things in their place and by the time that was done the dusting or mopping didn’t get done, so that’s where he stepped in. And it was a good arrangement, we never fought over housework. Neither of us would sit down for a bludge until we both could. It was a respect thing. We didn’t have a bad working relationship at all.

Okay, that’s it for singing his praises because once we split up he became a prick to the ninth degree.

I managed the household chores on my own really with no problem and that was on top of holding down a 30 hour a week job, which pretty soon had to become a 40 hour a week job. My kids learnt from a very young age to take responsibility for their own rooms and washing and for a while there I even had them cooking one night a week each. Mind you, their rooms were like bombsites and my coping strategy for that was just to close the door. All that hard yakka was easy compared to the emotional strain of going it alone.

What I missed the most about sharing parenthood was being able to workshop the many crisis my teenage children encountered. Like I said, the man that might have been father of the year on any one of the 17 years he was around turned into a complete prick when we separated, and not only did he offer no physical or emotional support, he was counter-productive and just plain nasty and negative when in the early days of our split I tried turning to him for help or support. Take the night I got the 3am call from the PA hospital when number two son was involved in a bad motor vehicle accident. When I rang to let him know the next morning his response was. Yeah, well, what do you want me to do about it? You’ve got the picture. Mine was not a case of a marriage split where the parents soldiered on and worked together to honour their roles as parents as I see so many other split families manage admirably. I truly became a single parent, it was as if the father of my children had died, except that occasionally he would rear his ugly head and try to make a go of re-establishing a relationship with the kids, but inevitably shoot himself in the foot in the process and one way or another, stuff things up. Until the next time. Okay, truly no more bitching about the ex.

So, after a few years of my trying to get things working functionally a counsellor advised me to stop trying and move on. And it was like stopping hitting my head against a wall. Everything actually became a lot easier, a lot calmer and a lot more functional. Except that I continued to desperately miss that other half, that confidant, when trouble hit. I had my mum, but it wasn’t too many years before she became very ill and I was mindful of introducing any unnecessary stress into her life so I tended to really only share the good and proud moments with her until she passed away.

I was well and truly a working single parent. So, the thought of introducing another man in to my life, or my children’s, didn’t/couldn’t even enter my head for about the first five or six years of my singledom. My hands and head were just so full of everything. My sons who were 15 and 17 went off the rails completely and really acted out the bewilderment and hurt they were feeling at being deserted. The police were regular visitors at my door and I was a regular visitor at the school office. My daughters. 14 and 11 hurt just as much but it was acted out with open sadness and a heap of internal dilemma for them. I just didn’t have the head space to let someone into my life or the kids. And anyway, I  felt my kids were no-one else’s responsibility but my own. There is no way I would have ever expected a man to assume responsibility for my children.

Which brings me to my current state of perplexion; am I unusual or ridiculously old fashioned with the above reaction? Have I taken my independence and my responsibilities to the extreme? Am I missing something? Has something changed with the next generation of single mothers?

I ask because both my sons, now 28 and 26 years, have girlfriends who have daughters from previous relationships. Neither biological father seems to be taking emotional or financial responsibility for their children and both my sons have stepped up to the mark, over and above the call of duty I believe, and taken on the responsibility of these beautiful little girls. And that’s all very well, I am proud that they have grown into men that would willingly do this. One even has the little girl’s name tattooed on his leg along-side his biological daughter’s, her half sister’s, name. He has supported that little girl since a week after meeting her mother over three years ago.

As I say, it is great for all concerned that my boys are caring, supportive and decent men in both the little girl’s lives and their partners. You would think a young, single stay-at-home mum would be well pleased with their second chance.

Apparently not.

One of my son’s was recently threatened by his partner that if he couldn’t earn more money she would leave him. This is the same girl I had to counsel out of leaving him nine months ago when he plummeted into depression and self-medication when he lost his job.

Now, the second son has been told by his partner that if he wasn’t such a good help with her daughter he would have been ditched. The same girl complains when he occasionally wants to go fishing with his brother, or when he wants to spend time away from her and her daughter to pursue a creative interest of his own.

So, what’s happening here? I really am perplexed.

Have my son’s, through lacking self-esteem as a result of the shitty example of a relationship they’ve been exposed to - or perhaps more to the point the desertion they suffered, picked girls who have no concept of what respect for another person - let alone someone they’re supposed to love, is? Or are they just unlucky in their choice? Or is this the new woman?